Don’t Condition Me, Just Love Me.
Love and how you perceive it changes as you grow. Children question us if we still love them when they misbehave. We usually do not act lovingly when they act out to let them know their behavior is unacceptable. After reprimanding them, it is important to reinforce how much we love them regardless of what happened. If you don’t, your child may grow up with a perception that love is conditional. Conditional love is like the terms and conditions section of an agreement or contract. It is a lot of “do this and I will reward you with my love”. Unconditional love has no strings attached, it is given freely. Conditional love in comparison to unconditional love, can lead to low self esteem and the potential to cause anxiety and depression. (Perez, 2021)
What are some signs that of conditional love?
You question if you are good enough
You feel exhausted and drained trying to constantly impress them
You dread interacting with them
They express love and pride in public but not in private
They fall short in the “little moments” but are there for your big achievements for the spotlight (ie. failed to console you when you were going through a rough time but showed up to your graduation)
They gaslight you or someone else - gaslighting is when a person distorts your words and questions your sanity or beliefs to maintain control over you
They’re highly judgmental
They keep “score”
You never feel like you’re on the same level
Signs of conditional love from a parent
Can’t express your emotions/opinions around them
Treat you like a child
You’ve always been a perfectionist because you were so worried about meeting their high expectations
You wonder if they talk behind your back
They avert tough/uncomfortable conversations
They don’t acknowledge your achievements
Power imbalance in their own relationship as parents
Conditional love as you can see can be damaging in the development of a child. Unfortunately, some adult children that were raised with conditional love never realized the damage because that is all they know. Unless you are given unconditional love, you will only have conditional love to fall back on.
Since I am on the subject of love, I saw something on Ig this week that said “Some people are born to give more love than they will ever get in return”. I am one of the bunch lol and I’m okay with that. I love so deeply and intensely sometimes it hurts and I’m left broken in the process. As a kid I loved without measure, quietly sometimes, you would have never known. I did it in my own way. I stopped questioning why I am like this and instead worked on understanding myself better. Thankfully therapy has helped me understand the importance of setting boundaries and loving from afar. We may not speak as much or at all but the love remains, it always will.
I want you to know unconditional love does exist! You are deserving of it and you can find it. Please remember this if nothing else. You are worthy of being loved during your lowest of lows and highest of highs. And the people that love you unconditionally vs. conditionally, take note of their place in your life. Lastly, be mindful of the type of love you’re giving.
“Love is not rare. Unconditional love is.”
Visit the references listed below for more information.
References:
Perez, Author Dawn. “17 Signs of Conditional Love: Watch out for These Red Flags.” Wild Simple Joy, 28 Aug. 2021, wildsimplejoy.com/signs-conditional-love/.
Sacks, Joseph. “The Effects of Conditional Love, Conditional Approval, Conditional Respect. - Tribeca Play Therapy- NY, NY - Joseph Sacks, LCSW.” Tribeca Play Therapy, Tribeca Play Therapy, 8 Nov. 2018, www.tribecaplaytherapy.com/blog/2017/6/18/the-effects-of-conditional-love-conditional-approval-conditional-respect.
A great 80’s song depicting the beauty but also pain in loving. Mariah Carey’s version is beautiful as well.
